Never have I ever… been a fan of kids.
Do not get me wrong, I like them, they are adorable and squishy and “they are the future” but… if I am being brutally honest here… they are loud, messy, germy, and sometimes rude. So, I generally spend the bare minimum required to not be considered a psychopath around kids and play and laugh but then exit as soon as possible.
Or at least I did, up until I met my beautiful god daughter, Little Miss Lila Mackenzie aka Lila Bean, aka my pupa ❤
As soon as she emerged from her mama’s private parts and I saw her little beautiful life enter into the world I felt this strong feeling of worry. I worried that I would not be able to protect her from the horrors of the world, I worried that I would fail her as an aunt as so many of my family had failed me, I worried that I would not like her because at that point kids were still pretty annoying ( and some truly still are). I heard her cry and I looked at her beautiful Mama ( Lacey, my cousin, you’ll meet her later) who was hysterically crying and smiling. Lacey was staring at this child like it was the first time she had experienced true happiness, and I knew to set my worry aside because baby girl is surrounded by STRONG women.
She was living so far away from me at the beginning of her life. At first in Virginia, then California as her mom was or is (its complicated) a navy wife. So I did my best to love her at a distance and made sure any which way I could be of support I was, but it was not till she was a bit older that my fondness of her, or kids in general grew.
Then, Lacey came back to New York. What a relief! Even though she hates it here, I was so happy to have my person back in driving distance and finally have the chance to really bond with my god daughter. And so, slowly but surely, she began changing my perspective on these little humans called kids.
She forced me to like kids shows and music and made me want to sing along. She made me want to say hi to every single person that walked by and if they responded poorly it made me want to punch them for not being kind (working on that). She made me want to look funny and foolish to make her laugh and giggle. She gave me perspective in how interesting everything is and made me look forward to her hugs on days I needed it most.
(Thats Lacey BTW)
But what Lila Bean really did for me was not only make me more tolerable to other kids cause they are kind of growing on me ( mostly like mold -__-) but gave me the sense that maybe being a mom is something I could do, one day, far far away…
I never thought about having kids mostly for selfish reasons, but she made me consider that perhaps being a parent is for myself too because the amount of joy she has brought to my life is unsurmountable.
So, thank you my precious pupa.
For loving your crazy, emotional, wild, Zia Pina as much as you do.
For being the perfect little angel and a bratty little shit all in one person. You are the reason for so many smiles and I hope you never doubt for one second how amazing you are. I hope you know that you are loved and that you will always have someone in your corner no matter how trying it gets. You are my favorite human and I will love you with all of my being for as long as life will allow. xo- Zia