The Sad Stuff

Addressing the elephant in the room: My Dad.

Honestly, you will probably be seeing more posts about him as the time goes on, because lets face it… he was amazing. But, its like tearing off a bandaid discuss it fast and get it over with and then everything else will be easier.

The image above is 2/3 of the most influential people in my life. The three being my father, mother, and grandmother ( above dad and nonna – which means grandma in italian)

I grew up in a separated household, my parents shared joint custody and both had crazy working hours so a large chunk of my child hood was spent growing up in my nonna’s.

I was your typical daddy’s girl ( and at heart I still am) and my dad was my best friend. He died Oct. 27, 2017. The. Hardest. Day. EVER. He was 1 1/2 months shy of his 52nd birthday.

He had gotten sick over time from being an avid drug addict and I believe that his body was weary from the toll had taken and his heart just gave up on him.

I had felt nothing but guilt because his rapid health decline and increase in drug use coincided with me moving out of the house for the past year. I kept blaming myself because if I would have stayed I would have monitored him as I had always done since I was a pre-teen. And while, four months later I still struggle with that guilt, I must accept that this was nothing of my doing.

My mother, who sometimes can feel like my child, is a wonderful and kind person and I love her deeply. She and my father, although they split up moved back in together when I was about 15 because of circumstances. And so in that time, despite them not being romantically involved, they grew a love hate relationship and it wasn’t until he passed that I realized how much love was truly there. My mother loved him far deeper than I had ever noticed and I had to be strong for her because I knew she could not do it for her self.

My grandmother, who is 88 years old this friday, lost her youngest son of seven. This is the second child she has lost. I learned to speak sicilian from her and my dad. The two of them had the most amazing relationship and in turn so did I. I am, without a shadow of a doubt, my nonna’s favorite. But, when my dad passed away, I knew that I had to step up to the plate and be all the things my dad was to her now. My mom and I assumed the roles and we try every day to just let her know we are there. My cousins that live in the building check in on her and it has basically become part of all of our routines.

Why am I divulging all this unnecessary content? Because with all things, there is a purpose. Just to remind you folks, whomever is reading, the people in your life that you love will eventually leave you one way or another and it is essentially important to understand, that each person you love will leave with a piece of you that you will never get back. Whether it be a relationship that ends or someone passing away, a small chunk leaves with them. There is a piece of me that died when my dad died, I consider it my genuine joy. Yes, with time I may be joyful again, but nothing will equate that of the joy I had when my father was here. My mom, will take my strength, because if it wasn’t for her I would not have any, and again with time it will regain, but not as strong as I am with her. And I know, that when life calls for my sweet nonna she will take my soul with her, for she is one of the largest elements embodied into my life.

This isn’t to forewarn you not to love or share yourself. It is the exact opposite. Love, share, give, do it all because there will be a time where you will take pieces of the people that loved you, and you will get it all back, “recycled”

Just stay kind and good. Quote the basics… “life is short”

Ciao for now, A.



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